life after cigarettes

“We'll see!”

(said with a sarcastic tone of voice, degrading look and muffled laughs)

Thats the reaction I get when I officially stated that I quit smoking. Numerous times! Thanks a lot people! I guess the relation between me and cigarettes were too imminent. I myself even thought that I wont survive a day without one. Until I finally set my mind to it.

It was a spur of the moment actually. It had nothing to do with the horror story my sister told about her single lunged friend due to incessant smoking since elementary. I was horrified to even try to imagine what my lungs looked like right then. That much is true, but that wasn't compelling enough to make me ditch my half full cigarette pack of Marlboro Light Menthols. I even lit and smoked three of them while discussing about the subject furthermore.

The truth is. I'm bored. That's the precise reason I resign myself as a heavy smoker. Grievous reasonings are not needed to make me quit. I know what nicotine and countless toxins such as ammonia, lead, formaldehyde and cadmium does to my lungs. The whole world knows it. But do we stop just because of it? Many don't. And I'm one of them. I'm just plain bored. It was all I ever did in my spare time. So I decided to do something other than burning my lungs out.

When i came upon my last cigarette last Saturday night, i smoke it as usual. Without the need to savor it as my last. 'That was the last pack of cigarettes you would ever lay your hands on' was the words that kept ringing in my ear right after. I never knew who said that, I guess it was my inner heart, lungs and consciousness ganging up on me. So i gave in. And that was when i started to relax and not rush my ass off to the nearest shop even though i am quite aware that i'm out of cigarettes. (Note: in the smoking glory days, this was a kind of life or death emergency for me)

Turns out, there are many things in life other than tobacco. Here are the first five days of my cigarette-free journey:

Day 1

Not an entire day actually. I smoked my last one at seven pm. But the day was yet to begin, as it was a Saturday night.

Location: home, terrace.

Got a into fight. This used to be a chain smoking situation, for i use to make matters worse by doing a dramatic cigarette-in-hand-eyes-fixated-to-nothing-in-particular sequence. So, i sat there doing nothing while he freely smoked his Marlboro Reds. Nothing to hold on to. It made me kinda vulnerable actually. I was forced to face my feelings and not detour from it because of distracting smoke created by cigarettes. And it proofed right, for i cried. It's not such a bad thing after all. One bad thing i realized, however, was how awful a smokers breath is. Yuck!

Location: opi kebab, kemang.

I never imagined what a meal would be like if it wasn't followed with a smoke or two. Surprise, surprise! It was better! The taste of the food lingers much longer. I don't have to cope with that certain bitterness because of smoking.

Location: car.

More talking, less fighting over smoking permit x).

Location: theater, planet hollywood.

No urge whatsoever to join in and light a cigarette with other smokers in the theaters entrance. This idleness made me stop and smell the roses, er, pavement. Smoking made me somewhat ignorant. I never cared about what was around me. Without one burning in my hand, I had more time to realize new, useless yet fascinating, things. Like how small Demi Moore's hand is compared to Bruce Willis'. How couples tend to wear a similar tone of clothing when they go out together. And, how his eyes tend to flinch in such a way whenever he inhales his smoke.

Day 2

Location: home, living room

Woke up late, watched TV, talked to mom, brother and sister. I usually get up and then shut my room to smoke. So there I was sitting at the sofa and abruptly thought: “WHY THE HELL DID I STOP SMOKING ANYWAY!!???” It was just a thought, not that i wanted to smoke or anything. Coz I realized that I actually can live without a cigarette, its just a matter of want. And so I went on with my smoking-less day.

Location: rawamangun, living room

There was no one but us in the room. If I didn't made my mind to quit, I could've been happily smoking while watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the second time. But no, I had to be so cool and all to cut off entirely. Results: watching in peace, without smoky air filling the room, a scolding to my love that he's actually making people in the house cough because of his Gudang Garam (me? actually doing this? miracle!) and this oh so light feeling that I rarely get when smoke gets in my eyes, seeping through my brain causing migraines and furious headaches. (oh and darling, i can't decide yet whether I prefer a Marlboro Red flavored kiss or a Gudang Garam one. I'll get back to you on that.)

Day 3

Location: office, jl. Lombok

I usually start my day at the office with half an hour of smoking and chit chat session with the girls in the balcony. But not today. This is my first day of work without my Marlboro Light Menthols. So, my cup of coffee is successfully drained without one (usually three) that morning. Result: I saved Rp. 7.500! I didn't get to meet that guy who I give ten thousand rupiahs (every weekday morning) to be exchanged with a fresh pack of cigarette and two notes of thousand rupiahs and a single five hundred coin.

I drank three cups of coffee. It made my heart pound like hell.

I miss the balcony.

Location: car, route: lombok – plaza senayan – pasaraya – plaza senayan – plaza semanggi – lombok.

More talk about the bore of work life with the fashion assistant. She doesn't smoke. Great. I also don't have to sing the same old request to the obnoxious driver each time i get in the car: could you open the window please? Result: I didn't make the car smell bad when I get off.

My gums are still hurting. So it's not because of my excessive smoking then? (well, too late for that missy!) Oh well, at least my lips aren't as chapped.

Day 4

Location: office lobby, jl. lombok

Had lunch with friends. I usually smoke five to six cigarettes at these occasions. Two before lunch is served, three to four after. Today? Zero. Substitute? Food. I had bubur ayam for breakfast, and now ketoprak for lunch. Hmmm...

Location: desk, office.

I had to e-mail my editor and ask for a rescheduled deadline. This was so unlike me. I have to confess that I wasn't productively writing the last couple of days. No cigarette = No writings? You tell me!

Anyway, my editor let me off the hook. The article will be due a day after tomorrow.

Location: wing dome, plaza semanggi

One old west buffalo wing, one regular french fries and ice tea. Damn the tartar sauce is nice. I should stop eating! Turns out my best friend is also trying to cut off smoking, so there we were talking about our latest headlines in life without an ashtray on the table. Then comes another friend, with a girlfriend. When announcing about my resignation from the smoking world, this friend was the only person who reacted positively: “YES!” he said.

Started to think about doing exercise. Might as well do the entire healthy lifestyle thing while I'm at it, right?

Day 5

Location: home, room

Had a spinning headache. Whats wrong? I'm certainly not smoking since Saturday, so what then? Is it because I'm NOT smoking? RIGHT. (denial, denial, denial)

Location: in front of powerbook, dining room.

Have to finish my article! I had the slightest thought to light a cigarette right then and there, but as I look to my watch, its already eleven at night. I don't have any Marlboro Light Menthols, and walking outside to get one is not exactly an exciting charade. Too much effort. Concentrate! You can do this. Write something about this dancer will you? Anything. So then i started typing: “Saat tubuh mulai menari, beribu filosofi Jawa ikut mengalun dalam setiap jentikan jemari dan tapakan kaki.” Not bad! The saying that creativity needs a little boost from the mighty cigarette is downright bullshit!

I finished my article, a damn good one if I may say so!

Location: bed, bedroom

I dream of smoking, with this huge guilt that I broke my own vow. So I declared deep in my heart that I wont tell a single soul that I smoked just that once. Even to him! God! I'm becoming overly desperate! And it was just a dream! (phew!?)

I guess I do miss it a lot!

But that doesn't mean I'm giving in!