intangible joy

“if u can still remember the pain,
yet still have the courage to might someday face it, again,
so whats left for us to say?”

i had to quote this from a dear friend. just because it hit me right to the core (truly inspiring, sa! you couldn't have said it any better). i was deliriously happy the past whole month. eventually having the one thing i ever wanted for ages kept me in that state of high. too happy that it actually terrifies me. it was a personal fear at the beginning. but later on, several 'spectators' lets me in the know of what they thought about the whole thing. i was taken aback with what they had to say. maybe because it was an unwanted burst to my bubble. but they got a point. unsurprisingly, it got me thinking.

it even tamed my happiness a bit. self defense? don't blame a girl for trying. the truth is, all those opinions seemed like a highway of confusing information speeding through my head. differing, one from another. one went a certain way, while the other fled to an entirely different direction. i got lost. not that i listen to what people have to say so much, but a couple of them accidentally opened up a long hidden wound. which turned out not entirely hidden after all. they meant well though, considering these are my closest friends. they just don't want to see me get hurt. again.

to be honest, those hurting days were nowhere near my mind prior the impact. so i was overwhelmed when it flooded my subconscious. it made a significant bang down inside and acted out physically. yet another sleepless night. don't they know that i too have those kind of thoughts? do they realize that they are merely justifying my deepest fear? did they have to actually say it out loud? no, no and yes.

maybe i deserve that kind of blow. i have been keeping it with me all this time anyway. and now that its out in the open, i embrace it completely. its a fact that i have to deal with. thanks to my ever so lovely friend, i got the the precise definition of my actions. courage. the ultimate dare of feeling happy and hurt all over. this intangible joy might seem terrifying, but i wouldn't want to trade this heavenly thing we have for anything in the world. it's just too damn powerful to give up.

i'd fall for you again, any given time.

Te queiro Lew.